Blood Lust
by clar4oswald
Summary: When a 17 year old girl realises that her 'accidental' murders could cause her to lose everything, she understands that she has only two options; life in prison or suicide. She doesn't decipher that she has schizophrenia which causes the voices inside her head persuading her to murder people she loved. (New chapters will be added on FictionPress!)


Blood Lust

**THIS IS NOT A CROSSOVER OR FANFICTION I JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY WORK.**

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_When a 17 year old girl realises that her 'accidental' murders could cause her to lose everything, she understands that she has only two options; life in prison or suicide. She doesn't decipher that she has schizophrenia which causes the voices inside her head persuading her to murder people she loved. This monologue explores her final thoughts, decisions and memories of the horror she created in her short life._

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Holding the gun against the side of my blood splattered head, my hands begin to tremble. Looking down onto Adam's body is making me question why I stepped back from the edge of the bridge, why I cut the rope before I jumped and why I forced myself to bring up the pills. They were stupid mistakes! None of this would have happened if I hadn't stopped myself. The voices in my head keep getting louder and louder - to a point where I feel as though the entire world can hear them! It's their fault. The voices. They told me to stop, they told me that I need to be on this earth to do something for them and now I've done it but they still won't go away! Adam is gone, my parents hate me and everyone I know must think that I'm a psychopathic lunatic!

In the movies, there is always a character who is about to commit suicide and they look back on everything that happened in their life as if it's easy. They look to find happiness in their darkest times but all they find is more hatred and they just pull the trigger because they think that committing suicide is really that easy. NO, IT ISN'T! I keep trying to find happy points in my life, but they all keep blurring into one of my horrific nightmares. Actually; this feels like a horrific nightmare.

Killing Adam is the worst thing I've ever done. It's not like the voices haven't forced me to kill someone before, because they have. Three times to be exact. The first was my best friend, Eva. We were thirteen. She would always pretend to be my friend - until she met her first boyfriend and left me. Thats when the voices started talking to me. They didn't tell me exactly what to do. It was as if they guided me. Or controlled me. Yeah, I like controlled better. They controlled me into doing it. I hit her on the side of the head with a brick. She suffered severe brain damage and a high blood loss. She died the next day in hospital.

My second murder was my previous neighbour's son, Henry. He was nine when the voices killed him. I was 14. His parents left me to baby sit him for a couple of hours while they were at a dinner party. He refused to go to bed when I told him to. The voices controlled me again and I just got angry. I pushed him over the banister and he landed on his head, breaking his neck and his spine in several different places. He died instantly.

And a year later, I committed my third murder. My little sister and I never really got on. There was a five year age gap. I hated her. Mum and dad always wanted us to get along, so in the winter of 2010 I told Charlie that I would build a snowman with her - just to please my parents. I took her to our local park where the pond had frozen for 19 years running and 2010 was no different. I threw my phone into the middle of the pond, making it look as if I had tripped and dropped it. Persuading Charlie to go and get it was the easiest thing I could do. Once she was on the middle of the pond, she picked up my phone and the ice began to crack. And then; the voices started again. With no control of my own, I picked up a rather large rock and threw it to where Charlie stood. The ice cracked into a million tiny pieces and Charlie was gone. She had disappeared under the ice. The police found her two months later - when the ice had melted. Her body was still intact and her face was filled with fear. I will never forget the way her icy eyes glared into mine when we were called to identify the body.

The police still don't know I murdered any of those people. Eva's boyfriend was arrested and charged for her murder, Henry's death was claimed to be an accident and Charlie's death caused the local weirdo, "Pervey Jim" to be arrested and charged for both murder and pedophilia. I guess, not being caught for being a serial killer is one of the good things about my life. Sometimes I wonder, especially now, if I should leave a note and tell the world what I really did. And maybe I should tell them about the voices from the shadows living in my head. Maybe I should tell them about the drugs and how I forced Adam to take them before I shot him and how I truly loved him and how sorry I am to his parents for murdering their only child... I know, I have a lot to apologise for. Thats why I want to do this; to apologise to everyone that I've hurt, to the families that I've torn apart and to apologise to my parents; for wasting the past seventeen years raising two daughters to have them both die before they reach eighteen.

I never really understood what it's like to lose a loved one until now. Staring into Adam's empty eyes only makes me crave for him to wake up or for all of this to be a dream, so I can hold him in my arms once more. I can't say that I regret listening to the voices because that would be a lie. If I hadn't listened to the voices and killed those people, I would never have met Adam and I would be living a boring and normal life. At least I can say that I have lived a more eventful life in seventeen years than any 'normal' person would in around sixty years.

That's it. I can't do this anymore. I'm just so angry with myself! How could I be so stupid?! I'm not a normal person. But I am a human being. The police are bound to find me. The gun shot must have echoed throughout the town. If I don't do it now, I could be locked away in a cold prison cell for the rest of my days. That would mean I would have to live with the guilt of murdering my best friend, my boyfriend, my little sister and my neighbour. I can't do this anymore. I've even started crying. The sound of the police cars are ringing in the distance. My gun is still aimed at the side of my head. What other choice do I have? I have to do this. I think I'm ready, now. 1... 2...-


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